You're Right, I'm a Dog

people who know me well have been wondering
what caused me to become the person i've become:
although it took much longer than it should have,
i was tired of being kicked...
i was going to the ends of the earth for everyone
except myself.
i was giving my heart and self completely to women
only to get it back dirty and mangled.
the proof is in the pudding;
don't believe me?
no one is going on blast,
but if you know me
you know what i've been through.
it's crazy,
i would fight tooth and nail
for that special someone of the moment,
only to get half assed dedication in return.
men are called dogs in negative ways,
but i can definitely compare myself to a dog:
i am quite loyal,
i will follow you (the special someone of the moment)
to hell and back,
i wait in anticipation to tangibly experience you
when you're not here.
the thing is,
just as dogs,
i will only take so much neglect and abuse
before i turn the tables,
and venture out into the world to do it on my own
(and although i may not be proud of this,
i may also bark and bite before i leave).
i'm not too sure if i am better here than where i've been,
but one thing is for sure,
in, at the very least, most cases,
i damn sure am.


there's a battle that rages on inside of me:
one side is the old me
which suggests everyone deserves a chance
until proven otherwise,
and that i should give my whole self at the onset of "us";
the other side is the new me
which constantly hears several phrases play in my head,
some more frequently than others:
"fuck em all, muthafuck em all"...


which side of me is winning??
i wanna say
the "fuck everyone that's not me and a select few" side,
but maybe i'm just much closer to the middle ground
than i previously was...
i know one thing for sure,
i'm nowhere near who i am destined to be..
i am just here as a temporary stop
while still en route to the later me...
until then,
i'm gonna keep riding
and enjoying the ride along the way...

Debates About Woman & Relationships

why does it seem like
i've been having some intense conversations/debates
about my views on women and relationships lately??

not sure how it began,
but the question came to me
if i saw lisa raye and india.arie sitting next to each other
which one i would approach...
my answer was lisa raye
(honestly, i'm not attracted to india.arie).
the female asking me the question
said i base decisions on women solely on appearance...
that is not the case.
let's keep it real,
most people's initial attraction is based on appearance,
reason being you cannot determine a person's personality
if you are seeing them for the first time.
the female asking the question
said she doesn't base her decisions on appearance,
but she can notice a person's walk or his swagger...
i feel that's still part of his appearance...
after the initial and subsequent conversations
you can definitely fall for someone beyond their appearance though.

in any event,
i find it very interesting
i have reached an odd point in my life
in regards to women and relationships,
and now i seem to have frequent disussions on these same points.
weird...



random thought: f.y.i. i don't have a "type" when it comes to women i date. i love women with meat on their bones, but yet 3 of my past girlfriends were 115lbs or less, one was 185lbs, and there were several in between. i just love and adore women!

Too Dope to Be Single...

the other day i posed a question:
is there an acceptable length of time to wait
before you pursue an ex's close friend?
what about a close friend's ex?
i only got 2 responses,
both of which said no to both questions.
this is still weighing heavy on my mind
because i am pretty close to several women,
at least 4 of which are definitely worth time and effort;
hell,
they are actually dope enough to consider as a
potential "potential future wife" (think about it),
as opposed to "wifey material".
the problem is,
they all were close friends with exes of mine,
and may still be as close.
i'm a strong advocate for people not caring what others think,
and also people doing what makes their hearts happy.
this whole topic spawned from a passing thought
of something spur of the moment i thought about doing
(i almost called one of those "potential 'potential future wives'" to say,
if we're both single 2013, i'm gonna seriously pursue/court you...
you're too dope to be single or with some wack dude).
i didn't make the call,
but this has been sitting on my mind since,
mostly because i have realized it is SUPER slim pickings
when it comes to good women;
to say the dating scene is horrid
would be an understatement.


yea,
i know,
my mind works in odd ways.....

People Need to Live and Let Live

so it's apparent i'm always gonna be the bad guy to someone.
i can be a "good dude",
and go out of my way
to put everyone else (women especially) ahead of me,
and still come out to be the bad guy,
so why not just look out for me
and not really care about others?
i have come to realize
there's nothing wrong with being the bad guy.
they have the more entertaining lives.
hell,
scarface was a great movie!
the thing is,
Jesus was talked about badly,
and betrayed and denied by this closest friends,
and yet, He was perfect.
so i shouldn't be surprised when i am crossed
when someone tries to kick my back in.
the thing is,
whenever someone tries to do so,
they never succeed.
hahaha...she didn't succeed.


i'm starting to appreciate the incredible hulk more and more.
he is seen as the enemy,
yet all he wants is to be left alone.
you anger him,
you pay.
the more he gets angered,
the more dangerous he is.
people just need to live and let live.


supposedly she (they) want us to succeed.
doubt it.
maybe that makes me a cynic.

all i know is i need time,
yet i hope time doesn't get away from me.

What's Wrong With Interracial Dating??

i NEED to start writing again...
so so much up in there
**pointing to my head**
needs to come out...
plus i'd love to possibly
feature on a Brokn.Englsh track oneday...



when i finally got home today
i spoke to my grandma,
and she began talking about black men leaving black women.
i do not like it when people have beefs about things like this.
why the hell is that an issue??
love should not see any shades of skin.
don't get me wrong,
i am very aware of race and racial divides,
but they should not bear any weight
in regards to relationships and love.
when i look at a beautiful woman,
i see a beautiful woman;
it matters not what her race is to me.
i won't lie and say i don't see her race,
but it is not what determines how i feel about her.
because i am not looking to marry her skin color,
i am looking to marry her personality and her love for me.

needless to say,
this conversation agitated/agitates me.
simple-minded ignorant people really annoy me.
i finally dropped the conversation
because it was not really going to end at all.



this weekend was great for me.
i spent lots of time around my peoples,
which i haven't done in a while.
i also helped with the Brokn.Englsh video shoot
for the song "Cherry Popper"...
i can't wait for it to be finished,
so i can see the finalized product.
this is what i would love to do with my life:
videography.
also,
B.E. needs to blow up!
they have a catalogue of great music,
and yet they are still in their infancy of their talent.


i need a change asap...




hope my creative juices begin flowing again,
poetry (and whatever else) is cooped up
and needs to be expelled from my mind.

What Happened to Me?

is it possible to experience a mid-life crisis
in a person's mid-20s?

i am confused about so much of myself
that i feel lost.
there is so much of how i feel
that i still can't even explain,
except by saying it is not my normal.

am i in a good place?
i don't stress anymore.
i am DEFINITELY NOT depressed.
yet,
i feel like somethings not right.

never in my life have i been a guy
that doesn't really care about a woman's feelings/emotions;
i always wanted to be better than the best man i could be.
now,
i don't really care wassup.
i am with someone,
and yet i have an urge to indulge in others.
what makes it worse is
i have no valid reasoning:
my girl is beautiful,
has a beautiful personality,
clicks with me so well,
enjoys every part of me.
i have no major complaints (remembering that no one is perfect).
and yet,
the only explaination i can give
as to what reason i would indulge is
just because...
that's not me.
never has been.
so is this enough to prove that
something is not right with me??
well how about the fact that
i seem to have only two moods nowadays:
either "blah" or happy-go-lucky.
there is so much going on in my life right now,
and yet i feel no stress at all.
in speaking with a friend of mine,
her diagnosis was
i am getting to a point in my life
where i don't care about anything.
could this be true?
what's even crazier,
i tried to pinpoint what i seem to think of most often,
and it seems to be video games.
wtf??
how much of a loser am i?
i seem to only care about playing my xbox.
i don't get it.
what's wrong with me?
add this to the equation:
i have this random urge
to throw a dart at a map of the US
and pick up and move there
to just start from scratch.
wouldn't matter if i knew anyone there or not.
i also thought about taking a job overseas
just for the hell of it.
why do i feel so damn lost??




i feel as though nothing makes sense in my life.
now my girl is upset with me.
one of my friends has gotten out of pocket
and is on the verge of being completely cut out of my life.
i have no plans nor ideas for my future anymore.
what the hell is wrong with me??

Not Quite Sure Yet, But....

it is quite apparent we are not right.
we seem to have beef with each other,
yet can not quite place what for.
our relationship is nothing more than a facade;
even we know we are faking it.
the problem is,
we don't know why or how to remedy it.
the "fix" we did last night
will probably happen again
because the underlying issue is still quite alive.
do i know what it is?
nah...
but to me it seems to be obvious there is one.
what next?
who knows.
all i know is the new me is definitely here,
and i refuse to accept bullshit from anyone:
acquaintance or otherwise.
maybe we can get this right
before any permant damage is done.
until that point,
i guess we have to grin and grit our teeth.
if you have any suggestions,
by all means,
feel free to interject,
but avoiding the situation rarely helps,
and will definitely not help in this situatuion.
in the meantime,
handle your business
and take care of yourself.



sidenote: please watch your smart ass remarks. i am a lot less tolerant of smart remarks nowadays. i will almost certainly say something in return or react in some way.




random thought: so my mom is on twitter. i wonder what this will be like.